I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances