Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Not all heroes wear capes…
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?