When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
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The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
the chicken was already gone when I got here
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.