Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
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Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.