Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
You Might Also Like
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
screw you
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.