A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
🍞🦆
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.