Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
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Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Are you ok, human???
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?