Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
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*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?