I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
me after drinking all the wine:
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.