8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
You Might Also Like
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
that lip filler tho
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago