[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
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My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.