That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.