regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
the Monday after daylight savings
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
m’lady
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”