Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than