Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle