If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
kevin is now a local weatherman
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating