Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
You Might Also Like
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Holy moly
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.