When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Mornin
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out