Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
You Might Also Like
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
What?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*