Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
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Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs