HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
#dalle2
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
finally
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold