Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.