*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Y’all ready for this
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.