[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
the best thing i’ve ever made
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.