don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”