How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
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*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
greetings!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all