So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
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the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!