In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
good let them take over I have had enough
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Very problematic
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t