*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
You Might Also Like
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…