My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
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“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?