Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
What personal space?
My dog
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
same bro
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight