waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
he was correct
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The little toadstool has spoken.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.