You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I can’t deal with men any longer
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*