#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I WON A HAM TODAY
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Strange
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.