My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
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Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first