Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I put the mess in domestic.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.