Them: You should try keto
Me:
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Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something