*updates tinder bio*
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This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.