There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.