The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️