If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me if I was a dog
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.