I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
(Musicians.)
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*