by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”