Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.