My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.