dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Very problematic
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.