Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards