This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
BRO LMFAO
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
? 💀
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
asking santa clause for nudes
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard