her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
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I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune