Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Just ordered me some pizza!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: